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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30117336">11 minutes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/urmytaer/pseuds/urmytaer'>urmytaer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Changbin had a crush on Hyunjin, Coming Out, Dating, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hyunjin had a toxic mother, Hyunjin is quite messed up, M/M, Maybe an Eating Disorder, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Temporary Amnesia, Texting, That didn't end well, Toxic Relationship, breaking up, no descriptions of homophobia, toxic parents</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:20:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30117336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/urmytaer/pseuds/urmytaer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyunjin and Changbin are best friends.</p><p>Or at least they used to be.</p><p>And oh, how he missed that puzzle piece.</p><p>or</p><p>Hyunjin misses Changbin a lot so he decides to write a song but he ends up reminiscing about their times together and breaks down crying.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>11 minutes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw: self harm, safe hatred, social anxiety, minor violence, toxic parent(s), mentions of a toxic relationship</p><p>If any of these make you uncomfortable then please click away.<br/>Other than that, enjoy reading^^</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hyunjin and Changbin are best friends.</p><p>Or at least they used to be.</p><p>And oh, how he missed that puzzle piece.</p><p>The wound on Hyunjin's heart was fresh. But he didn't seem to care much. Ever since the separation, he just brushed it off like it was nothing. Like it was just another torn piece from the story he was living, alongside with the many others. His life continued on, with him as the main character.</p><p>But that night was different.</p><p>He had just met up with Minho at the post office. Hyunjin couldn't believe his eyes when he had finally gotten a note in the mailbox to go and pick up something he ordered from overseas. He didn't care about what he received. It was just an excuse so that his mother to let him go out to meet his friend.</p><p>Hyunjin's mother wasn't the nicest person. She would always be strict with him. Good grades, hard work, not going outside, never having fun with firends. He felt like he was stuck in a tower, his only connection to the outside world being his mobile phone.</p><p>Not that he was the best at social interaction anyway.</p><p>As Hyunjin managed to convince his mom that it was better for him to go to the post office all by himself, he quickly made his way outside the house, without letting her ask him too many questions.<br/>
When he was a few blocks away, he was finally able to take out his phone and open a secret conversation with Minho on messenger.</p><p>Minho: I'm here<br/>
Minho: What's taking you so long?<br/>
Hyunjin: I'm almost there, just crossing the street<br/>
Hyunjin: Did you bring the gifts from Changbin?<br/>
Minho: I did<br/>
Hyunjin: Okay</p><p>Since it was almost Christmas time, Minho, Changbin and Hyunjin had prepared gifts for eachother. They never knew the latter two's friendship would end just a few days before handing them. Changbin even told him "Try not to start a fight with me until Christmas." Hyunjin knew the boy had a special gift prepared. Too bad he couldn't follow his advice.</p><p>Still, Changbin sent him the gifts through Minho. And Hyunjin did the same.<br/>
As the blonde boy was approaching the post office, he saw Minho right in front of it, wearing a thick winter coat. "Finally" he said before greeting his friend with a hug. "What do you have?" he quickly asked.</p><p>Hyunjin opened his bagpack to reveal a black packet. He handed it. "Aww" Minho said. "It's for me?"  "No. That's for Changbin. Your gift didn't arrive yet." Hyunjin replied. "Oh." he said, stumped. "What did you get him?"  "A pair of trousers he really wanted." the blondie said. "Aww" Minho repeated.<br/>
Hyunjin looked down.</p><p>"Now onto your gifts" the shorter boy said, opening his bagpack. "I didn't know what to get you so I let the internet decide for me. Also excuse the packaging cause you know I'm never good at wrapping up gifts."</p><p>He handed the boy three small ziplock bags and a little transparent box. He opened the box and saw a silver ring with a fishtail and a gem he hadn't seen before.<br/>
"That's from the mermaid show we used to watch together!" Hyunjin stated.<br/>
"Enter in the sea water~" Minho hummed the theme song.</p><p>Inside the little bags were three enamel pins, one with a cat, one with a turtle and one that said "if you can read this, you're too close". Minho knew that Hyunjin liked collecting these kinds of things.<br/>
"Those are so cute! Thanks!" the taller replied.</p><p>"Now onto the gifts from Binnie."<br/>
Minho handed him a hand sized purple box. Inside it, there was a pair of fuzzy socks and a personalized phone case with a singer the two used to like. Hyunjin smiled shily.</p><p>"He also told me to give you this." Minho continued. He handed Hyunjin a blue notebook with the inscription "best friends" Hyunjin felt his heart drop when taking it. He made that notebook not too long ago. He filled it with pictures and memories of the two's good times. Hyunjin gave it to Changbin for his birthday.<br/>
And now he was receiving it back.</p><p>He took it with his hands shaking, looking at the cover a little and the pictures that were sticking out, before quickly shoving it into his bagpack.</p><p>"I'll...wait for you here." Minho told him uneasy.<br/>
"Right. The office." He still needed to collect what he had ordered. But with everything going on, that was the last thing to think about. He went in, waited in line, got a white package and left, making sure Minho wouldn't wait outside in the cold for too long.</p><p>Minho was Hyunjin's only remaining friend. And Hyunjin was thankful that he didn't leave him too, besides his mother's actions. When times were hard, they were always there for eachother. Even though Minho was sure that it was only a matter of time for Hyunjin to start hating his personality. Sure, Minho would be brutally honest sometimes and he declared himself a pessimist. But his warm and comedic nature was everything for Hyunjin. And he couldn't lose him too.</p><p>He joined his friend as they walked to a bench in the park near the office to talk for a bit. Minho asked him what did he get and Hyunjin opened the package to reveal some socks that he couldn't care less about. He faked an extatic reaction and put it in his bagpack.</p><p>Expressing emotions was difficult. Laughing, crying, being surpirsed or even reacting to Minho giving him his gifts was a hard thing for Hyunjin. He always brushed off those types of things, getting easily used to faking his reactions. Not realising how bad it actually was.</p><p>As the two were chatting, Hyunjin felt his hands getting warm in contradiction to the cold weather. He missed it. He missed having human interaction. He hadn't talked to a person outside his house in almost two months. And he felt like he needed it more. But they soon had to part ways as Hyunjin's mom would start getting worried if he spent so much time at the post office.<br/>
He headed home, thinking about what to do with the gifts he just got. His mom would ask questions.</p><p>As soon as he got home, he headed to his room to leave his bagpack there.<br/>
"There were so many people in line!" he whined. "I would have gotten home earlier..."<br/>
His mom didn't ask him about his trip but he just had to make sure.<br/>
"Okay, sweetie. Now you can go do your homework." his mom replied.</p><p>He was finally alone in his room. The first thing he opened was the blue notebook. He thought that maybe Changbin had written something else in it, like a "goodbye" or a "thank you for the great memories". He shifted through the pages. Changbin didn't write anything.</p><p>As he looked through it, the flood of memories hit him like a comet but he couldn't show anything but a blank expression.<br/>
He closed the notebook and put it in his nightstand.<br/>
He then tried on both of the pairs of socks and found the excuse that he had gotten them both in the mail. He hid the pins and the phone case in his drawer. But he wore the ring. He thought no one would notice it anyway.</p><p>That night he laid in bed. He was scrolling through his voice recordings. Random singing, rants, dreams he had... He then scrolled down to the very first one. It didn't have a name. When he pressed play, he immediately reckognised the voice. It was Changbin's. He was singing a song called "Everything stays". He knew that Binnie wasn't the most confident in his singing. But his voice was so soothing and so familiar to him, so he always enjoyed hearing him sing. He let the recording play and he closed his eyes, laying down. Then he played it again. And again. And again.</p><p>It wasn't the first time he heard Binnie's voice after their breakup. Hyunjin had secretely asked Minho, whenever the shorter boy would send him vocal texts, to send them to him too. He figured he missed hearing his voice. But he didn't think he missed it so much that he couldn't even think of anything else that night, let alone sleep.<br/>
He didn't really want to dive into the problem, but his thoughts and emotions were spinning in his head like a hurricane so he had to do something.</p><p>He thought about writing a song.</p><p>Songwriting wasn't easy but it was a fun and relieving thing to do for Hyunjin. With him being hesitant in sharing his problems and asking for help or affection, most of the time, his therapy was music.</p><p>He was gonna write a song about the matter, write everything he needed to let out and close the chapter for good.<br/>
He opened the notes in his phone. He was already humming some lyrics so he wrote the first thing that popped into his head.</p><p>"I'm not okay"</p><p>His thoughts immediately raced to the first time he met Changbin. Hyunjin was 14. He was new in his school. He figured that his classmates weren't the nicest people from the beginning. One of them promised Hyunjin that they'll sit together. Only for Hyunjin to find out that they were sitting with somebody else.<br/>
He wished it didn't hurt him as much as it did. His goal was to make a good impression. He didn't want to be the weird quiet kid anymore.</p><p>One day in class, he decided to take revenge. He wasn't vengeful of nature, but he wanted to make some people understand he didn't enjoy being toyed around.<br/>
Looking through the classroom, he saw a short boy with glasses and a serious face. He had seen him before. He was the best student in class. And he was pretty shy. So he thought why not sit next to him? He was all alone anyway.</p><p>"Hi. Can I sit here?" Hyunjin asked politely.<br/>
The boy raised his head.<br/>
"Oh...sure." he replied timidly.</p><p>Changbin was wondering why would someone like Hyunjin want to sit next to someone like him. Little did he know how similar they actually were.<br/>
Their conversations started off simple, with questions like their favourite school subject (which for both was english), favourite music genre, favourite color... They started warming up to eachother. And Changbin started speaking more and more comfortably, breaking out of his shell.</p><p>Hyunjin blew a flying kiss to the classmate that broke their promise, them going to their seat with a not so content face.</p><p>But from that day on, the two boys would always sit together.</p><p>A few weeks later, when they were alone in the classroom, they drove into a slightly deeper conversation. They revealed that they both had really strict parents. Changbin revealed the story of his name and how he'd gotten it from his grandfather that had passed away. Coincidentally, Hyunjin had a similar story to share. They talked about the bullies that they encountered. Just a little chat that made them feel safe enough to share a bit of what's going on behind the curtains.</p><p>Then, Changbin came out to him. He wasn't surprised as they both knew that there was something different about themselves. But Hyunjin stood quiet about himself. All he could do is hug the boy and make sure he felt valid and appreciated.</p><p>"I'm not okay" was a song that they both used to listen to. When they were together, they used to blast My Chemical Romance and dance like no one was watching.</p><p>Alone in his room in the dark with the first lyric of his song written on his phone screen, something unexpected happened. He started feeling. His stomach was twitching and his heart was pounding at a different pace. Something was off. He was used to feeling nothing. But this time, for the first time in very long, it finally came to him: he was feeling empty. Incomplete. Like a part of him was missing. He was broken without it. </p><p>And oh, how he missed that puzzle piece.</p><p>He thought about the second verse. He remembered another song of theirs. He wrote:</p><p>"I'm 11 minutes away<br/>
And I had missed you all day"</p><p>They were once in a café together and "11 minutes" came on the radio. They were surprised to hear their favorite song. Hyunjin didn't remember much from that outing, other than that and that they had pizza.</p><p>His therapist once told him that he started using forgetting as a coping mechanism unconsciously. He was always trying to forget his mother's mean words and harsh lectures. But the negative part about it was that he started forgetting more and more things. Even his memories with Changbin.</p><p>Though he remembered this one momet (maybe because he is still scolded for it to this day) when Hyunjin's mother didn't let him go to Changbin's place, given her son's demands. He had also gotten a bad grade in geography so he was hesitant to go home. He didn't want to get his student card smacked onto his face again.</p><p>His uncle had to pick him up when classes were finished. But his uncle didn't find him. He exchanged clothes with Changbin so that they could sneak past him unnoticed. Mission accomplished, they rushed to Binnie's place.</p><p>But then, Hyunjin felt uneasy. He checked his phone and saw 18 missed calls. He couldn't do it. His mom was worried about him and it broke his heart imagining what thoughts might go through her head, not knowing where he was.<br/>
He didn't remember what Changbin told him but he was pretty sure he let him know it was his choice. He could either call his mom or go to his place.</p><p>Hyunjin called his mother.<br/>
It wasn't the most pleasant decision but it was the smartest one. The scoldings and threats he heard were harsh but expected. His mother probably asked him to hand the phone to Changbin too and he probably listened to her.<br/>
That was something he shouldn't have done. Even though Changbin had his ups and downs, he was a good person. But Hyunjin's mother kept finding ways of proving that he was a bad influence on her son. Hyunjin didn't know why.<br/>
From that day on, she hated his friend with a burning passion and would do anything to keep them separated.</p><p>Hyunjin's uncle quickly showed to pick him up. He left, promising Changbin that nothing will ever happen to him, in contradiction to his mother's threats. He watched from the car as the boy's worried face kept getting farther away.<br/>
Hyunjin loved his mother. But he always felt like her actions were a burden that he had to carry on his own shoulders. She would threaten his friends, show up at dates, even sending malicious messages to them using Hyunjin's phone, telling them to stay away from her child.</p><p>That's why it was hard for him to make friends. And he always held onto people in hopes that they won't leave his side. But unfortunately a lot of them did.</p><p>If he was in their place, he'd leave himself too.</p><p>He tried putting the pieces together in chronological order, reminiscing about every stage of their friendship. He was having a hard time, all he had left were random pieces of memory, some of them even missing.</p><p>He fast forwarded to the time where they were at the cinema with several other people. Changbin had opened up and became a really friendly person, having a pretty large friendgroup. Hyunjin would always meet new people thanks to him. Which was visible because now that he lost Changbin he barely talks to anyone except Minho.<br/>
They were most probably watching Frozen 2. The older was sitting to his left. Next thing he remembered, he leaned towards Changbin to kiss him.<br/>
He knew that the older boy had some sort of feelings for him. And Hyunjin had always wanted to have someone. He always felt like he needed phisical affection, validation, someone to hold hands with...A significant other. Something he never had.</p><p>When he found out about Changbin's feelings, he rejected him as nicely as he could, thinking that they shouldn't ruin their friendship. But he couldn't help but feel guilty. Guilty that there was someone right there and then waiting for him and he was doing absolutely nothing about it. </p><p>One time at a cafè, he felt the sudden need to kiss him. But he didn't. He had thought about that for a few months.<br/>
So that's why, with his heart racing, he leaned to his left to kiss the boy.</p><p>"What are you doing?" Changbin asked perplexed, moving away. It was at that moment that he realised that they were both wearing weird looking 3D glasses which made the moment at least three times more awkward.</p><p>Hyunjin froze. He risked and decided to kiss him but it didn't work. What was he gonna do now?<br/>
"I...saw that you were crying and I wanted to cheer you up" Hyunjin faked laughing.<br/>
"Oh..." Changbin's expression changed. "I wasn't crying!" he denied, quietly sobbing.</p><p>They didn't talk for the rest of the movie.</p><p>While Changbin's other friends were at the bathroom, the two boys were waiting outside. The only thing they could do was exchange awkward looks, without saying anything.</p><p>Then, Hyunjin had to go look for a gift for his clasmate because they were doing a "Secret Santa". But he couldn't think of anything else than what had just happened. He got a cheap necklace and that classmate probably hates him now. A person hating him in plus or in minus...did it even matter anymore?</p><p>His memory was blurry again but he remembered that when he got home, he clarified the situation with Changbin over text.</p><p>He opened his messenger and scrolled down to Changbin's conversation. It had been almost two months since they stopped talking. He searched the word "kiss" in the search bar.<br/>
Changbin: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO KISS ME AT THE MOVIE AND I PANICKED<br/>
Changbin: THEN YOU TOLD ME IT WASNT TRUE<br/>
Changbin: you scared me<br/>
Hyunjin: truth is I wanted to<br/>
Changbin: since when?<br/>
Changbin: DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ PUSSY<br/>
Hyunjin: but you moved away<br/>
Changbin: I was scared-<br/>
Changbin: sorry<br/>
Hyunjin: there was a scene in the movie that told me to listen to some voice<br/>
Changbin: and?<br/>
Hyunjin: and I said i'm gonna do it<br/>
Changbin: Elsa made you kiss me :))<br/>
Hyunjin: truth is...<br/>
Hyunjin: I think I love you<br/>
Changbin: WAIT WHAT<br/>
Hyunjin: but idk<br/>
Hyunjin: its's still unclear to me<br/>
Hyunjin: and confusing because you're a boy<br/>
Changbin: am I dreaming?</p><p>Hyunjin made that choice more based on what he was feeling rather than rational thinking. He had thought about being with a boy before but the feeling was odd. But looking at the amazing person next to him, he was willing to try.</p><p>The next day at school, they hid in a bathroom stall and kissed. It was the first kiss for both of them. The thing he remembered most was warmth. The touch of Changbin's warm lips on his. Alongside with the wave of confidence that hit him afterwards.<br/>
He then went to class with the biggest smile on his face. He wanted to scream "I KISSED SEO CHANGBIN" out loud. </p><p>Truth is, Hyunjin had wanted to throw up all day up to that moment from the nervousness and the thought that a "first kiss" had to happen. He would have continued to feel like that for days if he hadn't done it that day.</p><p>After the kiss though, Changbin was the one that felt nauseous. Hyunjin patted his back as he started coughing. He soon found out he was sick from food poisoning. They later joked about it.<br/>
Hyunjin: Me: kisses you<br/>
You: *throwing up emoji*<br/>
Changbin: DUDE I REALLY WAS SICK<br/>
Changbin: and not bc of you<br/>
Hyunjin: me too but before that<br/>
Hyunjin: because of the waiting<br/>
Changbin: GOSH I LOVE YOU<br/>
Changbin: you know that</p><p>The older boy was the happiest he could ever be. Hyunjin on the other hand was still slightly confused but for the utmost part he felt like he did the right thing.<br/>
They continued on like that for some time. Holding hands, kissing in the school bathroom, pecks here and there in the hallway when no one was around, going to the cinema together, their hands getting sweaty from being intertwined for so long, Changbin lending Hyunjin his gloves with his sharp lavander scent impregnated in them and Hyunjin smiling when sensing it, cute texts full of sweet nothings...</p><p>Changbin even wrote him a letter. A letter that he still keeps in his nightstand. The only two words Hyunjin still remembered exactly from it were "why me?"<br/>
Hyunjin thought about it. He chose Changbin because it was something he always wanted to have. Now having it, it was nice in its way, but it seemed different than what he expected. He didn't always feel comfortable. Lots of the feelings he was expressing were forced. He wanted to do his best to not disappoint Changbin and his mind pushed him to do more and more, scolding him even. But when he couldn't do that, he told himself that the relationship was fake and that he didn't actually like him. All that besides Hyunjin was still questioning his sexuality.</p><p>Hyunjin's mind was a complete mess.</p><p>One day they were at the cinema again. Going to the movies had become a tradition for them. Alongside with the sweaty handholding and the reasurring kisses after the scary scenes.</p><p>Neither of them knew that one of those kisses would be their last one.</p><p>When they left, two of Binnie's friends were perplexed when they saw Hyunjin crouch down to tie his date's shoelaces. The two boys smiled shily.</p><p>After parting ways, Changbin popped out of nowhere, right into Hyunjin's arms, hugging him tightly. He smiled fondly and left.<br/>
Later that night, they texted.</p><p>Changbin: I want to follow you into the unknown<br/>
Changbin: I think I'm ready</p><p>Hyunjin laughed at the Frozen refference. But it also left him thinking. They weren't labeled as boyfriends yet. He thought that that was what he was talking about.</p><p>He, on the other hand, felt far from ready. With everything going on in his mind, he felt like he just couldn't. Darn it, even when they were together, he could barely feel something. He didn't know if it was because of Changbin or because of himself and his problems. But the love he was expecting to feel wasn't there. So why continue if you have to constantly fake your feelings?</p><p>Hyunjin: I<br/>
Hyunjin: I don't think I am<br/>
Hyunjin: sorry to say it all of the sudden but<br/>
Hyunjin: when I'm with you, I don't feel what I want to feel<br/>
Hyunjin: I'm not happy<br/>
Hyunjin: I'm sorry<br/>
Hyunjin: I really want to make us work. And i'm trying to. But something keeps stopping me. And I don't know why. I'm sorry.<br/>
Hyunjin: I love you, please know that.<br/>
Hyunjin: But my heart doesn't let me cherish you the way you should be cherished. And that doesn't sit right with me.<br/>
Hyunjin: I hate myself<br/>
Changbin: Don't worry<br/>
Changbin: And please don't hate yourself<br/>
Changbin: I love you<br/>
Hyunjin: But why can't I stfu and make things right for once?<br/>
Changbin: Don't ever hate yourself<br/>
Changbin: All I want is you to feel good and safe<br/>
Changbin: You're really important to me<br/>
Hyunjin: I want that for you too<br/>
Changbin: You're important and we should do what you want too<br/>
Changbin: Not just what my selfish leo ass wants<br/>
Hyunjin: I feel like what drove me to kiss you was just my craving for attention or smth and its disgusting<br/>
Changbin: It's okay. You know we don't have to do anything you don't want to.<br/>
Hyunjin meant that him craving attention was disgusting, not the kisses.</p><p>The emotions still refused to show on his face so, at that point, Hyunjin was forcing himself to cry.</p><p>Hyunjin: WHY AM I SO BLIND WHEN I HAVE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS AND I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING?!<br/>
Hyunjin: When my mom tells me she loves me I don't feel anything and I don't feel anything when I pet an animal and everyone says that animals are so cute and petting them relieves stress and stuff but I PET THEM BECAUSE THAT'S NORMAL AND I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS NORMAL<br/>
Hyunjin: Why can't I feel anything? Why can't I express affection the way I want to?<br/>
Hyunjin: I'm sorry you don't deserve the monster that I am in your life<br/>
Hyunjin: PLEASE RESPOND ARE YOU OKAY?!<br/>
Changbin: Wait let me read<br/>
Changbin: I fought w mom sorry<br/>
Changbin: DON'T SAY YOU'RE A MONSTER<br/>
Hyunjin:  :((<br/>
Changbin: You're a wonderful person and you can do anything. Stop putting yourself down.<br/>
Changbin: DUDE YOU'RE AMAZING LOVE YOURSELF<br/>
Hyunjin: Why can't I love you as I should?<br/>
Changbin: your love is perfect as it is<br/>
Changbin: Leave me aside and concentrate on yourself. Try to find yourself, the good, the bad...be natural. Be yourself. And appreciate that.<br/>
Changbin: You can't please everyone. Put yourself first. You only have one life after all. So be happy and do what makes you happy.<br/>
Hyunjin: I hate myself because I can't love you<br/>
Hyunjin: I can't I don't feel anything I tried but WHY<br/>
Changbin: It doesn't matter.<br/>
Changbin: In this moment I don't give a shit if you like me or not.<br/>
Something about these words comforted Hyunjin to this day.<br/>
Changbin: I don't even care if you hate me. Just you love yourself.<br/>
Changbin: Don't be so hard on yourself. Leave me, leave the world aside. Who cares.<br/>
Changbin: You don't have to be what I want you to be or what the world wants.<br/>
Changbin: Do what you think is best for you.<br/>
Changbin: Our bond will always exist. I want you in my life and I want you by my side. Not as my boyfriend but as yourself. The version of you that is 100% you and is happy.<br/>
Changbin: I'm okay. You understand this, right?<br/>
Changbin: I BETTER NOT SEE YOU CRY BECAUSE OF ME BC I WILL KICK YOUR ASS<br/>
Changbin: Promise me you'll take care of yourself<br/>
Changbin: Please don't hurt yourself in any way<br/>
Changbin: Tell me you're okay<br/>
Hyunjin: I'm okay.</p><p>From then on, they continued as friends. Something that, in movies, would seem awkward or impossible. But for them, well, at least for Hyunjin, it was the easiest thing. Almost like a relief.</p><p>His thoughts ran to the moment when Changbin found out about Hyunjin's eating habits. He would eat as little as possible because food wouldn't always be pleasant and he would feel full most of the time, even in situatuons when he hadn't eaten anything all day.<br/>
So every day at school, Changbin would bring him an extra sandwich or snack and would make sure his friend was eating well.<br/>
Hyunjin felt good, being taken care of. It was one of Binnie's special traits - taking care of him, making sure he was okay phisically and mentally.</p><p>Hyunjin sighed. He missed that a lot. And many other things. He missed the way they could laugh about nothing or everything, or their inside jokes. Now Hyunjin can never look at straws the same way.</p><p>Minho was an old friend of Hyunjin's as they used to attend the same school. They used to have a larger friend group that slowly fell apart (or at least Hyunjin was left out) when Minho got into a not so healthy relationship. Changbin knew him too as the younger introduced them one time when they went out to eat.<br/>
One day, when Hyunjin and Changbin were texting, Minho asked Hyunjin if he could become part of their friend group. The two boys accepted hesitantly, but Minho said he'd clarify everything when they meet.</p><p>All three were sitting on a bench in the park. Minho was sitting cross-legged facing the two. With his head lowered, he explained everything that had happened. How he and his boyfriend met, the nasty and weird things he'd hear from him, how he cheated on Minho, the breakup, the fights and how everything ended, the boy being left all alone, with no one to lean on. The two never knew what Minho was going through and they conforted him. Minho stated that he spent three days at home mostly crying and not leaving his bed, but then decided to not let the negative feelings overcome him and so he reached out to them.</p><p>They were glad that Minho made that choice but Hyunjin was a bit hesitant about the matter. There was always just him and Changbin. And letting someone else in was new and different. But seeing Minho's state, they let him in with open arms.</p><p>From then on, Hyunjin and Changbin would always do their best to include Minho in their outings, trying to not make him feel lonely or left out. And they pretty much did. But doing that, and Hyunjin's mom not letting him go out all the time, the original duo didn't get much time to hang out. They even stopped texting in their private message box because they were always in the groupchat with Minho.<br/>
But other than that, everything went well. Until one time when they all decided to meet at the same park. Hyunjin and Minho were already there but Changbin was pretty late. That was odd. Changbin used to always show up to class an hour early so he was quite the opposite of late. But as they waited, they started getting worried. They both texted him. No response. Even an hour later, he didn't show up.<br/>
They both went home, wondering what had happened.</p><p>For the next two days, they tried to contact Changbin but to no response. They couldn't visit him because of his strict parents. (And Hyunjin's as well) All they could do was wait. Until he finally texted Hyunjin.</p><p>He tried searching in the conversation again but he couldn't find the right keywords. But from what he remembers, Changbin said he was okay and that he didn't want to talk about what happened. Then he had changed his profile picture which used to be him smiling to a black and white one where he looks away with a stone cold face, dark tones predominant. Hyunjin rememberes that after he changed that one too, he stopped putting his face as a profile picture.</p><p>To this day, neither Minho or Hyunjin know what had happened to him but respected his decision of not telling them. Although, after that, Changbin had changed a bit. He would be more rude to Hyunjin than usual. Sure, they would joke around, fighting or teasing eachother, but it was never serious. But now, they used to get in serious fights that would make them almost block eachother.<br/>
One time they were simply arguing about who was which powerpuff girl. Hyunjin stated his opinion on why he thought Minho was Buttercup, Changbin was Bubbles and he was Blossom. On the other hand, they both told him that he was more of a Bubbles. Minho didn't really care about it. But Changbin wanted to be Buttercup so bad that when Hyunjin said otherwise, he kicked him out of the groupchat.</p><p>Hyunjin was shocked.</p><p>*Changbin removed you from the group*<br/>
Changbin: you add him back bc I can't<br/>
Minho: woah woah<br/>
Minho: easy<br/>
Minho: nobody removes nobody<br/>
Minho: even if you're president<br/>
*Minho added you to the group*<br/>
Minho: sorry jinnie<br/>
Changbin: too bad<br/>
*You left the group*<br/>
Minho: oof<br/>
Changbin: wait why did he leave?<br/>
Changbin: that's why he's bubbles<br/>
Minho: you upset him<br/>
Changbin: he upset me too!<br/>
Changbin: that's why I'm buttercup!<br/>
Minho: you exaggerated with kicking him out<br/>
Minho: you're badass I get it but don't be mean to your friends<br/>
Minho: be mean to the enemies<br/>
Changbin: but he pissed me off<br/>
Changbin: If I wanna be buttercup then I am<br/>
Minho: maybe none of us is buttercup bc we're not worthy of her<br/>
Changbin: it's a cartoon character<br/>
Minho: yea but maybe he felt like we didn't take him seriously<br/>
Changbin: I should say that i understand and to leave it like this<br/>
Changbin: but I don't want to</p><p>In the end, Hyunjin rejoined the group.</p><p>The lyrics on Hyunjin's phone continued to appear as he texted:</p><p>"If everything stays,<br/>
Your words ringing in my head..."</p><p>One time at an online class, Hyunjin had to speak. He was anxious, having to show his face on the camera, to the teacher's demands. He couldn't think straight. So he started speaking, not realising that his mic was off. When the teacher told him, he turned it on, laughing it off, and continued speaking.</p><p>In moments like these, he tries not to be too hard on himself. Everyone makes mistakes. He used to have a hard time in accepting that, always putting a lot of pressure on himself when socialising or even swearing at himself for the way he'd say a "hello". He had gotten better. He was just a bit shaken up about what just happened.</p><p>But then he opened the groupchat.</p><p>Changbin: turn your m<br/>
Changbin: mic<br/>
Changbin: mic on<br/>
Changbin: @Hyunjin<br/>
Hyunjin: fuck off<br/>
Changbin: fuck you too<br/>
Changbin: you dumbass<br/>
Changbin: you're embarassing me<br/>
Minho: stupid dog<br/>
Changbin: xdd<br/>
Changbin: that's how he behaved<br/>
Minho: in which way?<br/>
Changbin: I told him here nicely to turn his mic on cuz we didn't hear him and he had to read out loud<br/>
Changbin: and he got upset<br/>
Changbin: he also laughed like a dummie<br/>
Changbin: while he was on mute<br/>
Changbin: and the teacher scolded him<br/>
Changbin: and then he told me to fuck off<br/>
Changbin: randomly<br/>
Changbin: I told him nicely<br/>
Changbin: that the teacher scolded<br/>
Changbin: he sat there for two minutes without his mic on<br/>
Changbin: and he kept saying smth<br/>
Changbin: now hes sitting there all depressed<br/>
Minho: we can't take online classes seriously anyway<br/>
Minho: don't be mad at him<br/>
Changbin: [picture]<br/>
Changbin: he got mad at me for no reason<br/>
Changbin: I just told him to turn it on<br/>
Changbin: so that the teacher won't scold him<br/>
Minho: [re: picture] I swear it looks like something painted by Da Vinky<br/>
Minho: I'm sorry for Hyunjin doe<br/>
Changbin: me too cuz hes so depressed he tells me to fuck off<br/>
Minho: It's not cool to be scolded. Especially for hyunjin cuz he's a perfectionist. But even so it's still nasty to be scolded by boomers.</p><p>Hyunjin couldn't care less about what the teacher said. He said that swear word because he had just embarassed himself and he didn't even think about which words he was using or what they meant exactly. But Changbin took it as an insult. And now, Hyunjin was hurting. Because Changbin was twisting the knife in his wound.</p><p>Changbin: I know but why did he get mad at me?<br/>
Changbin: I told him nicely<br/>
Minho: Yeah but maybe he's mad at the situation<br/>
Minho: not at you<br/>
Minho: I hope he'll be okay<br/>
Changbin: same<br/>
Changbin: but then he shouldn't swear to me<br/>
Minho: well you swear to him too xd<br/>
Changbin: ik but he started it xd<br/>
Minho: jeez binnie, toddler arguments<br/>
Minho: say "I'm rubber you're glue"<br/>
Minho: at least<br/>
Changbin: no cuz that's too classy for me xdd<br/>
Hyunjin: I don't know why I said that, maybe the hw you sent me was upside down or smth?? it was no big deal<br/>
Changbin: thats why you-<br/>
Hyunjin: also I embarassed myself<br/>
Hyunjin: meaning I lowkey wanted to kms<br/>
Hyunjin: and then you text me going on about how dumb I am<br/>
Minho: see changbin? he wasn't exactly mad at you<br/>
Hyunjin: meaning you made me feel way more miserable than I already was<br/>
Hyunjin: thanks<br/>
Hyunjin: [picture]<br/>
Minho: ouchhhh ;-;<br/>
Changbin: Ffffff<br/>
Minho: I'm sorry Hyunjin</p><p>Hyunjin had fresh scratch marks covering his forearm. Marks that he did himself using a pin from his corkboard.<br/>
He had done that before. But never this much. His skin was red and sore, from elbow to wrist.<br/>
He would usually do that when he'd feel stuck. When living seemed too painful and he just wanted the earth to swallow him but dying wasn't an option. He couldn't help but exist. Exist within his utter, miserable self that he was sick of.</p><p>After the incident, Changbin apologised and told him that he loves him. Over text, of course.<br/>
Their conversations started going normal again in quite a short time, because Hyunjin didn't like holding grudges. Even though some of the words still hurt him.<br/>
Changbin had changed, it's true. Everyone changes eventually. But he didn't wanna lose him just because he became a little tougher with his words.</p><p>Then, a week later, it happened.</p><p>The reason why they stopped talking wasn't neither of them's fault after all.<br/>
Hyunjin was at a small family gathering at his aunt's place. He then suddenly remebered that he had to attend an extra class that afternoon. There were about five more people in the same room as him, including his mother. He couldn't leave that room because his phone was dying and if he had left to charge it in another room, it would instantly turn off.<br/>
He turned his mic and camera off and he hit "join meeting".<br/>
He didn't want to show his face after last week's incident. He swore to himself that he wouldn't. But then his mother asked him why wasn't he doing so, given the teacher's demands.</p><p>Maybe there would have been smarter or better solutions to his problems. But dammit, he was really good at complicating things, realising he could have gotten out of that situation pretty easily.</p><p>But all the circumstances that he was in on that day drove him to explode:</p><p>"BECAUSE I CUT MYSELF LAST TIME I DID IT, OKAY?"</p><p>His mother remained speechless. He told her about what happened. He doesn't even remember whether he mentioned Changbin or not. Next thing he knew, his mother wanted to take his phone to talk to the teacher herself. Hyunjin freaked out. He fought with his mom trying to protect it. He threw it across the hallway, the phone hitting the front door and  landing on the floor. He tried to rush to get it but to no use, his mother was already speaking to the teacher and his aunt stopped him from going any further.</p><p>His fucking aunt whom he had always hated. She would always butt into his personal life like she knew him to say the least.<br/>
He remained there powerless, mind racing trying to find something to break before going completely bollocks because of what he was hearing.</p><p>"A student of yours, I won't give the name, has sent him malicious texts that made him mutilate himself and that's why my son refuses to show his face to class"</p><p>Hyunjin was done. He had had it at that point. It wasn't the first time his mother made a scandal for his sake at school. That's why he was always the weird kid. The you seem cool but It's a shame about your mom kid.</p><p>But he couldn't care less about his classmates finding out that he was cutting. The only person he could think about was Changbin. And he didn't even wanna imagine what the boy must have been feeling at that time.</p><p>When his mother finished, the teacher saying she would take actions about the matter, she handed him the phone with a smile "There, now you can turn your camera on and attend class".<br/>
Hyunjin, with his face full of tears, looked at her smile that he so desperately wanted to brush off her face.</p><p>He had enough.</p><p>His mother let out a painful shout when a fist came in contact with her jaw at full speed. The fist of none other than her own son.</p><p>The others tried to calm her down while Hyunjin fell onto his knees alone in the hallway.</p><p>He felt odd.<br/>
The moment he had punched his mom, the tears had stopped.<br/>
He couldn't cry anymore. Instead, a bright smile appeared on his face.<br/>
He didn't know why and he felt scared. But he felt free. It was the first time he had the courage to do such a thing. He felt powerful. He felt in control. And no one was gonna do that to him ever again.<br/>
He hoped that Changbin was alright.</p><p>***</p><p>Changbin: I'm gonna leave you alone from now on<br/>
Changbin: I don't want trouble<br/>
Changbin: no more trouble<br/>
Changbin: I'm really sorry, I will disappear from your life.<br/>
Hyunjin took a deep breath.<br/>
Hyunjin: I understand if you don't wanna be my friend anymore.<br/>
But fyi I smacked the fuck out of my mom's jaw.<br/>
Changbin: I'm really sorry for everything and I'm asking you to forgive me once again. I talked to my teacher. I'll stay away from you. I don't wish to be sanctioned.</p><p>***</p><p>Changbin didn't block him. He just changed the chat colors back to normal and cleared both of their nicknames. But that was the last text Changbin ever sent Hyunjin.</p><p>He put himself first. And Hyunjin respected that. He didn't want his best friend to get in trouble because of his mom.</p><p>Parting ways with Changbin was something that Hyunjin had wanted to do for a long time but didn't have the guts to do because of the bond that they had formed over the years. But seeing that Changbin did the first step, he felt relieved. Oddly enough, he started crying tears of joy. He felt free once again. Yes, he would miss him a lot. But it was a healthy release.<br/>
Only for his tears to turn to tears of sadness when Minho told him that it was just a cover up. Changbin would pretend that they parted ways so that he'll stay out of trouble.<br/>
Hyunjin felt lightheaded once again. He thought he was finally free. Turns out he was not.</p><p>After communicating through Minho a few times, the oldest boy tells Hyunjin that Changbin wanted to send his Christmas gift to the blonde boy through him. Minho sent him pictures of the gift box and Hyunjin replied with a cute meme of someone spraying another person with hearts. Then Minho sends Hyunjin a screenshot. It was a text from Changbin.</p><p>Minho: ooof ;-;<br/>
《Changbin: Hyunjin, you know that I gave them to Minho because I won't talk to you anymore, right? xd》<br/>
Hyunjin felt his heart fall out.<br/>
Hyunjin: [re: picture] xd<br/>
Minho: I'm sorry<br/>
Hyunjin: it is what it is<br/>
Minho: I'm sorry though.<br/>
Minho: I'm sending this text to both of you<br/>
Don't you think that it would be better to talk to eachother on this topic? It's just a suggestion. Cuz I feel uncomfortable being your messenger as I care about you both equally.<br/>
Hyunjin: I still don't really know what's going on.<br/>
Hyunjin: he said we'll talk after a while but now he's saying we won't (?)<br/>
Minho: I don't understand either cuz it's the first time he's said such a thing<br/>
Hyunjin: well...<br/>
Minho: I'm just saying, you guys do you.<br/>
Hyunjin: what'd he say?<br/>
Minho: he said he doesn't want to talk to you at all<br/>
Minho: and that honestly surprises me<br/>
Hyunjin: okay</p><p>"So why aren't you here?"</p><p>Hyunjin was back in his dark room, in the present. He hit the record button on his phone in case some lyrics would come up in his head and he wouldn't want to forget them. He started humming some random words. At some point, he got teary-eyed but continued on.<br/>
"At least now I know how it is to have that someone"<br/>
"I'm still longing for a hug from you".</p><p>Whenever Hyunjin was in a deeply low state, he would take a needle and make scratch marks on his arm. They would heal in around two days. This way, his mother would never notice them. But he felt like he needed to do it. He would punish himself while doing it. But the scars would heal quickly and the matter would disappear. He had made a promise to someone that he wouldn't do it anymore. A promise that he was trying so hard not to break in this moment.</p><p>He also wanted people to see his scars. He wanted people to know what he was going through and comfort him and help him get out of the deep ocean he felt like he couldn't come out of.</p><p>He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. But he couldn't. The cry he was keeping in was urging to escape. But everything he could show was a stone cold face. And it hurt like hell.<br/>
For days he missed him. But he couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel his loss.<br/>
"I'm faking it. I'm faking everything. Everything's fake." he told himself. "It's not real pain. I can't even feel it."</p><p>Everything was messed up in his mind.</p><p>He needed to cry. But how?</p><p>He tried thinking about the current situation, anything, just to make himself sadden. "Think, Hyunjin"<br/>
He opened Changbin's private conversation. That place was his safe place. A place where he could say his heart out, random things, venting or even telling out all his insecurities, maybe even deepest secrets. How they imagined their future together, going to university far far away, getting matching tattoos, and all the promises that they made. Changbin really promised they will be together forever.</p><p>But now that place was quiet and he couldn't go there anymore. Going there all day every day was a norm to him. And now he lost it. For good.</p><p>"Why...why can't I just text him?" were his words before finally breaking down, tears rushing down his face. He felt his heart bleeding through the empty place that Changbin had left. It was shaped like a puzzle piece. </p><p>And oh, how he missed that puzzle piece. </p><p>He buried his face close to the ground, sobbing, letting out Changbin’s harsh words, Changbin’s comforting words, Changbin’s lavender scent, Changbin’s love for dark things, Changbin’s love for him, Changbin’s decision to let him go. </p><p>He let everything out. At least for that night.<br/>
He was happy that he managed to let it out. It was a short cry. But he did it.<br/>
He went back to bed, a bit more calm that night.</p><p>The next morning, he saw a video of Changbin's favourite singer talking about a movie Binnie was obsessed about. But...he couldn't send it to him.</p><p>Hyunjin: https://video<br/>
Hyunjin: send this to Binnie<br/>
Minho: ok</p><p>Minho: Changbin said he'll block me if I ever send him things from you.<br/>
Minho: sorry Jinnie</p><p>Hyunjin felt a knife stab through his chest.<br/>
There was really nothing left of their friendship.</p><p>After all that had happened, with maybe a twisted ending, he was glad that he got to spend some of his happiest years with Changbin. Someday, wherever they may be, maybe even in another life, if the universe decides, they will meet again, talk again, look into eachother's eyes and remember that they were always just 11 minutes away.</p><p>Hyunjin: heh, it's fine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed it<br/>This is basically my ao3 debut :0<br/>If you have any reccomandations, my twitter is urmytaer<br/>Have a nice day/night &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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